Your child is screaming because it’s time to turn off the tablet.
Or crying on the floor when it’s time to leave the playground.
Or everything seemed fine—and suddenly, it wasn’t.
When meltdowns keep happening, it’s natural to wonder:
How do I stop this?
But before trying another strategy, it can help to ask a different question:
What might be making this situation so hard for my child?
That can give you a much better place to start.
Look at what happened before
The meltdown is usually the part everyone notices. But some of the most helpful clues may come from what happened right before it.
Think about the last difficult moment.
Was it time to stop something your child enjoyed?
Did plans change?
Were they asked to do something difficult?
Had they been waiting?
Were they trying to tell you something?
Were they tired, hungry, sick, or already having a hard day?
One meltdown won't give you all the answers. But when you start paying attention to several of them, you may notice a pattern.
The same behavior can mean different things
Two children can both cry, yell, or drop to the floor, but what made the situation difficult for each child may be completely different.
Even your own child may struggle for different reasons at different times.
That's why a strategy that worked for another family may not work for yours.
Before deciding what to try, it helps to understand what's happening.
Try this simple exercise
The next few times a difficult moment happens, write down four things:
BEFORE
What was happening right before?
DURING
What did your child do?
AFTER
What happened next?
ANYTHING ELSE
Was your child tired, hungry, sick, somewhere unfamiliar, or having an unusual day?
Keep it simple. A few words in your phone is enough.
After you've done this a few times, look back.
Do you notice anything happening again and again?
Maybe difficult moments happen when it's time to leave somewhere fun. Maybe mornings are especially hard. Maybe your child struggles when plans change or when they aren't sure what happens next.
You don't have to figure out the exact reason.
You're simply looking for clues.
What about during a meltdown?
When your child is already very upset, it usually isn't the best time for a long explanation or to teach something new.
The first priority is keeping everyone safe.
What helps in the moment will depend on your child and what's happening. There isn't one response that works for every child or every meltdown.
Often, the most helpful work happens before or after the hardest moment.
Understanding comes before strategy
Once you start noticing a pattern, you can ask better questions.
Does my child know what's about to happen?
Do they understand what I'm asking them to do?
Is this especially difficult at a certain time of day?
Are they still learning how to do something this situation requires?
Are they having trouble telling me what they need?
You don't need ten new strategies.
You need a good place to start.
And finding that starting point begins with understanding what may be making the situation difficult for your child.
When you may need more support
Consider reaching out for professional help if meltdowns happen often, make everyday life very difficult, or involve hitting, hurting themselves, running away, dangerous behavior, or other serious safety concerns.
If your child's behavior changes suddenly or you think pain, illness, medication, sleep, eating, or another health concern could be involved, talk with your child's healthcare provider.
If anyone is in immediate danger, seek emergency or crisis help.
Want help understanding what's happening?
If meltdowns have become one of the hardest parts of your family's day, you don't have to keep trying different strategies on your own.
Through the Westshore Family Success Program, we'll take a closer look at what's happening, find a practical place to start, and help you make changes that fit your family's everyday life.
Schedule a Free 15-Minute Getting Started Call →
